In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
