I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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