I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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