Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
