my phone needs a breathalizer
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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