Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
