Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
