I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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