I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
