After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Vodka?
Forever.
My ass is underappreciated
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
