If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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