Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
