This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
