dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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