I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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