What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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