Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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