the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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