I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
