I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
