a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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