Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
