You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Found your dick twin last night
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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