hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
