Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
