how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
