I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
