Pants 0. Shit 1.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
