your parents love me but you hate me
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Found your dick twin last night
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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