so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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