I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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