Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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