The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
