I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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