i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
