he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
