I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Sober January is a disaster.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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