dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
