your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
