I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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