Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I need water and some morals
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
