dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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