Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
