My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
