Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
you never un-have a 4some
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
