I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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