I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
