mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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