JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
