I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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