I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
