this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
