I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
