I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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