the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
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Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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