I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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