I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
