You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The power of my boobs compel you
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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